sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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