she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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