@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I've blown a few things in my day
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
