That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
