Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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