I'm going to jail i love you
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
