So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
