this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
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Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
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I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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