so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
