i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
