I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
