i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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