6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
