fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
