Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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