she looked like the before picture.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
