my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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