there's paper in my vomit.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
