I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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