did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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