i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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