Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
