I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
this will be a night to untag.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
