I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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