She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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