Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize