I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
