we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
