it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
