Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
