i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
