He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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