I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
