ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
