OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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