your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You are the jesus of drinking
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
