I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
