Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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