she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
being pregnant is like rehab
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money