I am in a vortex of obligation.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...