I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
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Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.