i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm like, not good at living.