piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Is Oprah even human
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
