Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
