sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Randomize
