Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
