and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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