just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
