The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
