Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
