It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
