The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I will be naked everywhere
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
