every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
