mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize