and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
