I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
