I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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