I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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