what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
