If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
