I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out