This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied