I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences In Dating Men And Women
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference