i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
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you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
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So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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