Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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