she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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