i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
